The federal government won't be issuing a trillion dollar coin after all but wasn't all the hoopla enough to make one wonder just what fun could be had with such a thing jingling in the pocket?
Certainly, the debt ceiling and staving off the fiscal cliff and all that other boring but important stuff is nice and sensible but let's momentarily step away from the actual reason the U.S. Treasury and Federal Reserve even dared suggest such a thing as minting a new piece of money. Let's also shelve any silly notion of displaying the prized coin like some other everyday commemorative quarter embossed with a state or national park or president's head.
Instead, let's think Hope Diamond and lifetime membership in the Richard Branson space trip club and using nothing but spun gold to sew custom-made clothing. Give every person in China a couple of bucks, bribe Vladimir Putin to change his mind on Russian baby adoptions, hire an attorney to fight the new privacy violations that the Facebook graph search will undoubtedly bring and get a couple suites at the Mercedes-Benz Superdome on the off chance the 49ers make it to the Super Bowl.
But all that's chump change. You've got a trillion dollars, for goodness sake!
Depending on one's relationship status and personal predilections, there's always setting yourself up as a sugar daddy or momma. A new site allows youngsters with holes in their pockets to establish relationships with older individuals with holes in their love lives. Applicants actually post how much money they expect monthly for the privilege of the respondents' company, however that is defined. The average payout is $1,000 to $3,000 so with a trillion dollars in play, consider a harem — or, at least very unexpected and unique Christmas presents for family and friends. Might beat cheesecake of the month.
Those looking for a less uncomfortable spending plan and a liberal agenda can buy smoothies in Vernal, Utah where the owner of the "I Love Drilling Juice and Smoothie Bar” makes no secret of charging self-professed lefties an extra dollar. The money and any tips received with it is donated to conservative causes. With a trillion bucks burning a hole in your pocket, have a smoothie three times a day for the rest of your life. Heck, invite the entire Democratic Party and most college campuses. Tip heavily — liberally, dare I say? — and still have plenty of change. Besides, isn't change what all liberals want, anyway?
Or be extra liberal and throw a heck of a gun buyback program.
But don't stop there. Snatch up a couple starter homes in Hillsborough and feel free to build an Olympic stadium in the backyard. Give Candy Spelling's former mansion as a hostess gift. Buy Oahu just to outdo Larry Ellison. Give everybody in the world a puppy and every 1-year-old girl a diamond-encrusted Barbie (why should Beyonce and Jay-Z have the corner market on blinged-out baby gifts?). Give every county worker a pension and a salary even if they aren't retired — just because you can. And maybe a Tesla Roadster for good measure.
Or, help make a reality the idea of a Death Star superweapon that was just rejected by the White House. You'll be the coolest kid at Comic-Con by building an Evil Empire — you'll just need a bazillion more coins to make it happen.
Unfortunately, though, the government decided to scratch the notion of a trillion dollar coin. So sad because looking at what we could each do with it, is there anybody who wouldn't say the idea was so money?
Michelle Durand's column "Off the Beat” runs every Tuesday and Thursday. She can be reached by email: firstname.lastname@example.org or by phone (650) 344-5200 ext. 102. What do you think of this column? Send a letter to the editor: email@example.com